I’ve been told I’m addicted to sugar and starchy carbohydrates. And I’ve been told there is no such thing as an addiction to food. Is there something in between? Perhaps an attachment?
I know there are some foods that I tell myself I love and that I shouldn’t eat them because it’s way too easy to over eat – sweets and starches. But I wonder if perhaps, I’m attached to the idea that I shouldn’t eat these foods, making them ‘forbidden foods’ which increases my desire for them as well as my guilt when I indulge.
And when I indulge, I do it secretively. I’d be embarrassed for anyone to observe – I basically inhale the food until the container is empty.
I do think there is some psychology around it – these are foods that I remember being restricted for me as a child. “No, you can’t have that” is a phrase I remember distinctly. That and “you can’t possibly be hungry. Don’t eat that.” My mother’s intentions were good, but scarring in a way: I have some undesirable behavior (rebellion) based eating – and the foods of choice when I’m rebelling: sweets and starches.
I never addressed the behaviors and the thinking around them. I’ve always tried to solve my weight and food issues through brute force. It doesn’t work, at least not in a way that can be sustained.
I’m looking at it all now and I realize that I have attachments to being an emotional eater. That I have attachments to being someone who loses control with certain foods. I have attachments to these identities. Are these attachments the same as an addiction? I don’t know. But I do know that sitting through the urge to act on an undesirable behavior helps weaken the urge. And as I weaken the urges, I feel myself growing stronger and more willing to look at what’s going on inside.