Sitting through urges

I’ve noticed something about myself: when I can’t eat, I want to spend money and when I can’t spend money, I want to eat.

I’m currently in a circumstance that frugality is essential.  And I’ve noticed that while my urges to eat have not been that intense, my urge to spend money has.  The spending is not on anything frivolous, but items I need (new aerobics shoes, new shoes for work, clothes that fit, etc) and I’ve been biding my time already.  Now facing the lost of my husband’s income, it seems I have to continue to make do.  And to be honest, I’m angry about it.  Not at my husband, but the situation.

And as I sit with the anger, I do feel little urges to eat.  I’ve indulged instead with food porn on Pinterest.  Almost everything I eat goes straight through me right now.  I know that’s stews (along with TMI).  When I’m hungry, I make an effort to enjoy my food and not eat too much.  But while going down the street for a frozen yogurt does sort of appeal,  I don’t have the energy to do it.  The urge passes.  The anger remains.  And if I had truly indulged, I’m not sure that I wouldn’t be adding guilt to anger.  Food isn’t making me smile these days so I’m really concentrating on sitting through the emotions until food does make me smile again.

And it’s up to me to examine my compulsion to eat or shop as soon as I learn one or the other must be restricted.  Could be my way of rebelling?  Not coping – rebelling.  I don’t want to restrict eating (or apply any kind of guidelines), but I know that for my good health, I need to be more careful in my choices.  So I go with that and then head to the mall.  Rebelling feels right.  And I know what that’s about.





About Maura

an erstwhile former weight management blogger writing about life without diet should's and should not's filter.
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