Heart is Not Here

I haven’t thought much about this blog in a while – my heart certainly isn’t up to regularly posting  here.

Life’s milestones make one pause and consider what’s important.  My father died on May 24th of this year.  He was 83 and up until last summer, he enjoyed reasonably good health and a happy lifestyle for someone his age.  At least this is the story I’m sticking to so I don’t get lost in anger at the healthcare industry.

The circumstances of my father’s death are exhausting  – lots of travel, lots of frayed nerves, lots of suppressed emotion.  I’m still suppressing it.

I’m still not eating well. I’m still not moving.  I’m still not journaling.  I’d like to say that at least I’m not obsessed about it – but sometimes I am.  Just less so.

I realize I sound depressed and disconnected.  Perhaps I am.   But I was becoming this way well before my father died.   The thing is – I’m not worried about it. I have the tools to deal with the depression and I’m reconnecting with life in the ways that mean more to me now.  And for now, social media, including my own blog, has little appeal to me.

I don’t know if I’ll post again or not.  I’m not shutting the blog down.  But I’m certainly not going to beat myself up for going months without a post.

Thanks to everyone who has been reading and all the support offered.  I wish you all the best – and perhaps we will reconnect here at a later time.

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A little more consistent

I keep going back to this:  Writing. With a pen. On Paper.

Right now, the physical act of putting pen to paper makes me more cognizant  of what I’m recording and thinking.  It makes me more mindful.

A person who has been an inspiration to me in private weight loss site I used to use (MyFoodDiary.com – you must pay to join, kept talking about what I thought had to be a scam: The Donut Whisperer: I’ve tried it all Now What Diet.

Here’s the deal – if it’s a scam, you have to work hard to be scammed – there’s no website to join for a fee, there’s no series of ebooks to buy and keep buying.  There’s no ultra expensive online class to pay for.  Nope – just a $15 paper back book that must be ordered from the very minimalist website.

But the gist of the what the book says is this:  be kind to yourself.  Eat what you love.  Eat for pleasure and stop eating when it’s no longer pleasurable.

OK – that part is more of the same what we’ve been hearing from the mindful eating section of the diet industry.

Here’s the big kick in the pants dose of honesty this book offers: We are overweight because we eat too much.

Yep, true.  And of course, there’s the big kick in the pants dose of honesty the book also offers as a solution: Want to weigh less? Eat less.

But this time – there’s no big thing about avoiding McDonald’s, Krispy Kreme, Baskin Robbins.  Nope – instead, the author says if you love it – EAT IT.  Just don’t eat it all.  And if you don’t love vegetables consider taking a good multi vitamin.

I’m not sure if you’re like me, but when I eat something decadent (food I’ve labeled ‘bad’) I tend to eat it fast (as if someone might catch me if I don’t scarf it down) and I tend to eat it all – because I can never ever have it again.  With the donut whisperer, the idea is that we can eat all the food we love as long as we are feeling pleasure while we’re eating it.  We must stop eating when the pleasure starts to wane.  The book suggests dumping a salt shaker on your plate once that the pleasure wanes so that you won’t pick at what’s left on the plate.

Easier said that done. But there’s a method to make it a bite easier:

The book’s author, Susanna Dee, suggests starting the program by doing 30 days of prompts -each time you eat.  The prompts are like this:

Midway through the meal, stop and answer:

I’m enjoying this ___________ because it ____________.  I’m looking forward to ____________ for my next meal.

The act of stopping mid meal and writing out the answers (I haven’t figured out how to do this gracefully in a restaurant so I do it mentally) automatically makes you more mindful of eating.

I add to the prompt – out of 1-10, the pleasure I’m getting from eating is ___.  And if that number is lower than 6, I stop eating.  Recognizing that I get to have another favorite food the next time I eat makes stopping a heck of a lot easier.

I’m making one of my favorite foods later today so I can enjoy it for lunch tomorrow: tuna casserole – with pasta AND cheese, and buttered bread crumbs.  Actually, I’m looking forward to it -the recipe calls for mushrooms and a real sauce made from milk instead of opening a can.

When I eat it for lunch tomorrow, I’ll have my notebook out writing out my prompts so that I will notice when the food is no longer as pleasurable so I can stop. Interestingly enough, the point where the food is no longer pleasurable is usually when the body has just enough of it.  Just sated with a smile on my face.

I don’t know if I’ve lost weight.  What I do know is that for once, I feel my obsession with food and my weight beginning to loosen it’s grip on my life.  And that is really want I want more than anything else.

I’m not posting a link to anything.  If you’re interested – google “The Donut Whisperer” and you’ll find the info.

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Consistently Inconsistent

First off – a shout out to Zazzy: Wishing you a speedy recovery and more steps forward than backwards.

March is something of a blur.  It started with my being way over ambitious and completing my hardest Leslie Sansone DVD.  60 fast minutes.  It felt great.  Then it didn’t.

Then there was Daylight Savings Time.  I’ll go on the record here: I hate it.  Normally, I don’t feel any physical impacts. I did this year.

Then there’s being ‘on’ for two weeks straight while I trained my new employee.  I totally crashed and burned 2 weekends ago.

I ignored buzzes to get up and moved.  I tracked – NOTHING.  I was consistently inconsistent.   At least I was consistent about it.

So – hubby makes this over reaching remark last night that set my head to spinning:

Obesity is a symptom of mental illness

As I said – over reaching.  But wait.  I’ve been depressed – synapses don’t fire correctly in the brain.  Could it be that synapses aren’t firing when it comes to the simple act of not over-eating?

I’m not a scientist, nor have I taken any psychology courses.  This is just me thinking out loud:

Early on in life, I was instructed that my body could never be right.  How many times did I hear “You can’t possibly be hungry.  Don’t eat that.”   So – hungry or not, I was told my body was wrong.

Then the diet industry told me to ignore my body’s cues.

Boy howdy – did I ever ignore them.  Eating when not hungry, eating behind hunger.  Year after year after year.  Is it possible that by so many years of ignoring my body’s hunger and satiation cues, that I’ve damaged the synapses that lead to eating when hungry and stopping when sated?  And if so – what to do about it? THERE IS NO MAGIC PILL!

But depression (at least the kind I have) can be managed with – you guessed it – discipline. Discipline to stick to routines that work.  When I feel the darkness creeping in – I return to certain routines that are essential for me – journalling and walking.  The very act of returning to these routines turns the darkness away.

Is there a way to establish routines that will honor my body’s cues?   I honor my body’s cue to pee when I need to pee.  Sleep when I need to sleep (I try to do this anyway), etc.  What routines can I establish to help me stop the autopilot actions that totally dishonor my body?

Right now – I’m actually thinking of trying to create automatic response to “I want to eat” – something like:

Autopilot: I want to eat.
Response to Auto pilot: Do you need to pee?
Auto pilot: WTF?
Response to Auto pilot: Got your attention, sucker!  Now – are you really hungry?
Auto pilot: Um, no.
Response to Auto pilot: So, what do you really want to do.
Auto Pilot is silent and…

My authentic self decides what it is I want to do.  Not a conditioned response.

I think my husband is on to something, to be honest.  I’m KNOW there are correlations between obesity and depression.  But treating just the depression does not mean the weight will just fall off.  But perhaps a similar approach – routines, etc., can help.

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A Rare Monday Post

Some of you have been curious about the UP24 band.  I’ll be very honest – I have no idea how accurate it may be.  What it may or may not lack in accuracy is completely overshadowed by it’s motivation factor.  I’m now aiming toward 6K steps per day.  When I started, getting about 3K was pretty hard.

Here are a couple of graphs that I’ve found motivating – from today (so far):

10 is good, 3 is not.  I'd have pushed 10, had it not been for 1 slice of bologna along with the sodium of canned soup

10 is good, 3 is not. I’d have pushed 10, had it not been for 1 slice of bologna along with the sodium of canned soup


Weight and Steps. I’m not moving to lose weight – but to be healthy. Added benefit – losing weight. I’m beginning to feel I have a waist again!

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Discovery 1: So, this little black piece of plastic I wear around my wrist, aka the UP24, is truly motivating me:

  • We went to our place in No Ga this weekend and I normally am quite inactive there – I read, I knit, etc.  Not so this weekend:  On Friday, I took several walks around our property and at one point – just basically did a parade march in the back  yard (our back yard is HUGE!).  It was quite meditative and wonderful.
  • On Saturday, I decided to do a Leslie Sansone workout (I stream from Gaiam TV).  Afterwards, I asked my husband how annoying hearing my stepping was.  His answer: I didn’t notice.  So – working out our a place in No Ga is an option I though I didn’t have!

Discovery 2: I am allergic or sensitive to certain kinds, hopefully not all, of soy.  This part may be TMI – sorry in advance.  We decided to go have lunch at this wonderful Asian place that specializes in Thai, Japanese and Vietnamese cuisine.  We had egg rolls (more like spring rolls), pan fried pork dumplings and because I wanted vegetables, I ordered a hot pot of chicken Tom Yum soup.   Within two sips of the soup, my stomach turned.  I stopped eating, because I recognized the turn – within an hour, I’d be puking.  And I was – in the restroom at the Ingles in Blairsville (so sorry to anyone who heard me – it was truly awful).  The rest of the afternoon was spent  – well, to be delicate – having my system drained from both ends.  Not fun.

So why the self diagnosis of an allergy or sensitivity to soy?  Because this has happened once before – in the same restaurant.  This time, the culprit, we think, was a soy based ginger dressing on a yummy salad.  Unfortunately, I didn’t stop eating  that time.  It was a very ugly afternoon.

Anyway, the soy – or tofu – are the only commonalities.  The distress came on too quickly to be food poisoning and the first time, my husband ate exactly what I did and was not ill.  We looked up the symptoms for allergies to soy and well – I was a text book case form 3 of them.

I think I can eat soy sauce – will try.  I will, though, avoid anything that has tofu in it including miso soup.  That makes me sad – but it’s better than another unpleasant afternoon.

And on a more pleasant, sort of, topic – the southeast may be in for some wintery weather. Hubby and I are prepared – and I gave myself a break: Instead of planning to have bologna sandwiches each day for lunch, the way hubby is, I’m having Progresso Soup.  I may have a sandwich one day – but only one.  I really want to stick with my lighter lunches.  I’m feeling SO much better.

Posted in The "I Have No Time" Health Restoration Plan | 1 Comment