Still liking Sublimely Satisfied…

… even if it seems a bit smug-sounding.

That said, I’m not sure what I did this week other than ‘show up’ to engender feeling sublimely satisfied.

I take that back.  I did something yesterday morning that profoundly made a difference in how this weekend feels:

DH and I were slated to be out of town this weekend and I’m slated to be on an airplane for work on Monday.  I was feeling incredibly stressed and wondering how I was going to do it all.  And DH is exhausted still from his marathon working weekend last weekend.  And it’s supposed to rain all weekend.

So, I suggested to DH that we stay home.  I told him he was too tired to drive in the rain and that his cat missed him.  He agreed.  Stress is somewhat alleviated.  And I am happy that I made a suggestion that helped make that happen.

And I’ve decided that I only need to name one Core Desired Feeling – Engaged and Sexy are just further refinements of sublimely satisfied.

Speaking of engaged   – I just found a fantastic editorial site: The Conversation.  It’s a site where journalists and editors work with academics and researchers to write engaging, informative and non-partisan articles.  DH read a great piece from an ethicist about the VW debacle.  And I read how a librarian raised community awareness about book banning by banning a book. If you like to be informed and challenged to think, this may be a site worth checking out.

Speaking of sexy. Um. Not. ‘Nuf said.

Sublimely Satisfied – peaceful study

I’ve recovered enough to start caring about how I want to feel and realized what I want has changed some.  I’m still defining the list and I know that Sublimely Satisfied will be on it.  Probably first.

What does that mean for me?  It covers a gamut of feelings:

  • The feeling of peace when walking into my study and everything is in it’s place and feels serene instead of cluttered.
  • Feeling/being naturally healthy
  • Feeling I am enough/worthy
  • Feeling that I am kicking a** and taking names at work
  • Feeling connected and supported with friends

I’ve been working this morning – taking the actions needed to feel Sublimely Satisfied.  I did a huge first pass on cleaning & clearing my study.  I asked myself “Does this spark joy?” and I tossed all remaining self-help books (i.e., books that tell you that you’re broken and that the authors have the sole key to fixing you) except The Artist’s Way because it does spark joy.  Writing morning pages played a huge role in my learning to manage depression.

I tossed a very precious item too.  An afghan my aunt crocheted for me as a high school graduation present.  I’ve kept it with me all these years.  I  treasure knowing she made it for me.  I was my ‘security blanket’ for many years.  When I moved in with DH, I didn’t need it and it was relegated to the study where it collected dust and became cat-damaged,  I thanked it and said good-bye.

And now, my study feels lighter.  It feels more serene (it’s not quite there – I have cabinets, drawers and a closet to purge) and I feel at peace.  Satisfied with my efforts this morning.

And while I was doing all this? I had music that I love playing in the background.  Sublimely satisfying.

Putting my big toe back in

I don’t know if this is the right time to return to the blog or not.  I just know I’ve been thinking of it.  So – a change to the blog look and feel (I love how easy that is) and we’ll see what happens.

Catching up – I’ve only recently truly begun to grieve.  I think am finally over the circumstances around my father’s death that made me so angry.  That anger and then the immediate pull back into my work allowed me to wallow in numbness for too long.

I started habits that engendered feeling numb: blind binge eating in the car; hours playing computer games, etc.

And I’ve stopped the binge eating.  I stopped because I recognized that it was only hurting me.  I was lying to my husband and to myself about my eating.  The computer games – well – I still like those.

What made me start thinking about the blog is that I came very very close to joining Weight Watchers at work.  I was in a desperate place in my mind and the promise of a magic pill was alluring.  I talked with my husband about it and he wasn’t very keen on the idea. While Weight Watchers works to help people lose weight, the strategy isn’t for maintenance and let’s face it – Weight Watchers doesn’t want you to maintain.  That’s how they make money.

I returned to my rule: No paid programs to lose weight.  I did buy an app that does what I tinkered with Excel to do with weight entries.  The app, Happy Scale, balances & averages the weight entries so a spike is smoothed, but a trend is recognized. Weighing myself daily helps.

What works for me right now?

  • Protein Smoothies in the morning – I love spinach, vanilla whey protein powder, coconut milk (plain,unsweetened) banana and chocolate PB2.  YUM.  I also love my Ninja Blend IQ blender.
  • Protein at lunch.  Not going out for lunch.
  • Green or ginger teas (plain, no sweetener)
  • LaCroix flavored sparkling waters
  • Scrambled eggs with spinach for breakfast

What doesn’t work – usually because I’m not consistent:

  • Logging my food
  • Leaving food on the plate (but I’m gonna make this one work – it is sustainable!)
  • Exercise.  Yeah. I’ll come back to this one day too.

So – I’ve been thinking about how to use this blog to build on what works for me.  If anyone is out there – I welcome your suggestions!

Heart is Not Here

I haven’t thought much about this blog in a while – my heart certainly isn’t up to regularly posting  here.

Life’s milestones make one pause and consider what’s important.  My father died on May 24th of this year.  He was 83 and up until last summer, he enjoyed reasonably good health and a happy lifestyle for someone his age.  At least this is the story I’m sticking to so I don’t get lost in anger at the healthcare industry.

The circumstances of my father’s death are exhausting  – lots of travel, lots of frayed nerves, lots of suppressed emotion.  I’m still suppressing it.

I’m still not eating well. I’m still not moving.  I’m still not journaling.  I’d like to say that at least I’m not obsessed about it – but sometimes I am.  Just less so.

I realize I sound depressed and disconnected.  Perhaps I am.   But I was becoming this way well before my father died.   The thing is – I’m not worried about it. I have the tools to deal with the depression and I’m reconnecting with life in the ways that mean more to me now.  And for now, social media, including my own blog, has little appeal to me.

I don’t know if I’ll post again or not.  I’m not shutting the blog down.  But I’m certainly not going to beat myself up for going months without a post.

Thanks to everyone who has been reading and all the support offered.  I wish you all the best – and perhaps we will reconnect here at a later time.

A little more consistent

I keep going back to this:  Writing. With a pen. On Paper.

Right now, the physical act of putting pen to paper makes me more cognizant  of what I’m recording and thinking.  It makes me more mindful.

A person who has been an inspiration to me in private weight loss site I used to use ( – you must pay to join, kept talking about what I thought had to be a scam: The Donut Whisperer: I’ve tried it all Now What Diet.

Here’s the deal – if it’s a scam, you have to work hard to be scammed – there’s no website to join for a fee, there’s no series of ebooks to buy and keep buying.  There’s no ultra expensive online class to pay for.  Nope – just a $15 paper back book that must be ordered from the very minimalist website.

But the gist of the what the book says is this:  be kind to yourself.  Eat what you love.  Eat for pleasure and stop eating when it’s no longer pleasurable.

OK – that part is more of the same what we’ve been hearing from the mindful eating section of the diet industry.

Here’s the big kick in the pants dose of honesty this book offers: We are overweight because we eat too much.

Yep, true.  And of course, there’s the big kick in the pants dose of honesty the book also offers as a solution: Want to weigh less? Eat less.

But this time – there’s no big thing about avoiding McDonald’s, Krispy Kreme, Baskin Robbins.  Nope – instead, the author says if you love it – EAT IT.  Just don’t eat it all.  And if you don’t love vegetables consider taking a good multi vitamin.

I’m not sure if you’re like me, but when I eat something decadent (food I’ve labeled ‘bad’) I tend to eat it fast (as if someone might catch me if I don’t scarf it down) and I tend to eat it all – because I can never ever have it again.  With the donut whisperer, the idea is that we can eat all the food we love as long as we are feeling pleasure while we’re eating it.  We must stop eating when the pleasure starts to wane.  The book suggests dumping a salt shaker on your plate once that the pleasure wanes so that you won’t pick at what’s left on the plate.

Easier said that done. But there’s a method to make it a bite easier:

The book’s author, Susanna Dee, suggests starting the program by doing 30 days of prompts -each time you eat.  The prompts are like this:

Midway through the meal, stop and answer:

I’m enjoying this ___________ because it ____________.  I’m looking forward to ____________ for my next meal.

The act of stopping mid meal and writing out the answers (I haven’t figured out how to do this gracefully in a restaurant so I do it mentally) automatically makes you more mindful of eating.

I add to the prompt – out of 1-10, the pleasure I’m getting from eating is ___.  And if that number is lower than 6, I stop eating.  Recognizing that I get to have another favorite food the next time I eat makes stopping a heck of a lot easier.

I’m making one of my favorite foods later today so I can enjoy it for lunch tomorrow: tuna casserole – with pasta AND cheese, and buttered bread crumbs.  Actually, I’m looking forward to it -the recipe calls for mushrooms and a real sauce made from milk instead of opening a can.

When I eat it for lunch tomorrow, I’ll have my notebook out writing out my prompts so that I will notice when the food is no longer as pleasurable so I can stop. Interestingly enough, the point where the food is no longer pleasurable is usually when the body has just enough of it.  Just sated with a smile on my face.

I don’t know if I’ve lost weight.  What I do know is that for once, I feel my obsession with food and my weight beginning to loosen it’s grip on my life.  And that is really want I want more than anything else.

I’m not posting a link to anything.  If you’re interested – google “The Donut Whisperer” and you’ll find the info.